Dating: Why do we do it?

A young ex coworker of mine forwarded a letter to me yesterday that made me begin to think about dating, between the age groups and in general. This young  is a ripe old 24 years of age. When she was 16 she met the love of her life. (hopefully there is more life ahead for her to change that.) They dated steady for 6 years, until she caught him with another woman two years ago. She broke it off, as she should have, and is now heartbroken that this man is now in a heavy relationship with is lover, they are engaged and they have opened a successful restaurant in our area. I have spent hours with her, seeing her heartbreak and her struggle to move forward with her life. She did the wise thing and she took a break from dating, she made only one mistake, she worked three jobs to occupy her time and never did much for herself. Once she began to throw herself back into the dating world 9 months ago, she did it with a vengeance. She posted many profiles on more dating web sites than I care to mention. She has a record of living in 4 week relationships, she will meet a guy on a dating site, sleep with him immediately, change her relationship status on her facebook page, and post an obnoxious amount of posts on her sweet boyfriend and their activities. It doesn’t matter who the current boyfriend is, it’s the same cycle for her every time. She then grows tired of them, for one reason or another, and way too fast for me to keep up with, she is off and running with the next. About a month ago, she began to post pictures and comments on her new “boy”. (that is probably a HUGE problem there, even twenty years olds do not want to be referred to as boy.) I noticed a difference with this one, she looked really happy. On valentines day, she texted me that he had purchased them a couples massage and had purchased some of her favorite french chocolates on the internet and they were delivered to her work. She was over the moon and I was happy for her.

In one short 24 hour period, it all changed. After their loving cupid day together, her sweet boy sent her an email the next day that included the following:

“I need to part ways with you, not want, need. The reason is simple, I can’t see a future that includes marrying you. For a Christian man, dating without the purpose of marriage is honestly pointless and sinful.”

Now, just to add my opinion, this is a 25-year-old kid who just wasn’t that into her. He wasn’t very Christian when he slept with her on the first night and you should have seen some of the photos she posted of them partying together. With that said though, is it ever ok to date without the purpose of marriage and if you do, are you leading on the other person who may not feel the same as you.

My life is totally different at my ripe old 40 years. I refuse to post anymore singles ads, the two I posted last summer attracted no takers and I really was insulted by that! I do not believe in one night stands anymore, I have had two in my lifetime and they always ended with me being disgusted with myself and no matter if my intentions were to just have sex, I felt nasty afterwards. I have absolutely NO intentions of ever getting married again, two strikes and I am out.

With these feelings on dating and relationships, I’ll update you on my current “relationship”. K. and I have been seeing each other almost 6 months now. After I spent New Years alone, I had full intentions of breaking off our once a week meetings and moving on. He returned home from his holidays with his family a totally different man. What was before once a week sex sessions has advanced to my having to fight him off with a stick. The three weeks he spent away with his family made him realize he was in “love” and after the third week of January, he found enough nerve to tell me so. Time moved on and a few weeks ago, I told him I love you back. We spend the majority of our free time together, my new job is dominating most of my life now. More times than not, I enjoy his company and our time together, but the above question has been on my mind recently.

I see no potential of a future with K. As ashamed as I am to say this, the negatives outweigh the positives, and that is a deal breaker. He is a good hearted man and he treats me well, but he is also a mama’s boy who has yet to slice that umbilical cord. He lives in his own home, that he built adjacent to his parents property. IN the mornings he walks over and eats the breakfast his mom cooked for him, in the evenings, its dinner. His mom still does his laundry and helps him clean his house. Not the future I would hope for myself.

He is also a mans man, a southern redneck who loves his Nascar, hunting and beer. He is not big on emotions and really has no clue how to treat a lady. By the last statement, I mean, he is not a romantic. For an example: last night it snowed for the first time this year. In eastern NC, we rarely ever see snow, so it was a rare treat to watch the snowfall last night. I stayed at his home so we coudl enjoy it together. At one point, it was snowing really heavy and was just beautiful. I was standing at the window, feeling so peaceful and relaxed. In my mind, I envisioned him coming behind me, wrapping his arms around me and standing quietly enjoying the moment with me. I tenderly looked his way, asked him to come watch the snow with me, to which he replied “I can see it from here hun, the race is on.” I stood by myself and watched the beauty of nature, as loneliness washed over my heart.

 

What I was craving

What I was craving

I no longer am willing to simply accept someone in my life because I am lonely, I want to feel loved. There is so much I want from this life and some days, I wonder why I am wasting my time. So what am I doing in this relationship? I care deeply for him, but I have already stated, there is no future for us. Is it ok for me to continue us spending time together even though I have these feelings? We both have agreed we never plan to marry again but I am a little nervous, he has been making references lately on my moving in with him and that is a no go. At what point do I send him that email that says “I need to part ways”? When is ok to date, when you know there is no future? Any and all input would be appreciated.

What I received

What I received