The end of love

What a whirl-wind week it had been. In just two short weeks, my husband and I separated, my kids and I were forced into a new home, my affair was outed, my job was terminated and my heart was dizzy and in shock.

My husband and R.’s wife had begun communications about our affair the day that R. and I were fired. They would call each other every day and chat and then R.’s wife would phone him with details of the entire conversation. R. and I were still seeing each other, but I knew something was amiss. I did help him cash in his retirement and register for truck driving school, which he was set to begin the next week, one week to the day of our termination at our employment. His wife was out of town at her daughters, we were together, he was making promises about our future and in my mind, I wanted all this to pass just so that we could be together. You see, it wasn’t the excitement of the affair, or the satisfaction of finally having a man pay attention to me, I was genuinely in love with R. The months that we had shared our hearts to each other had led me to a love like I have never known before. Yes, I was embarrassed, humiliated and guilt ridden for the affair, that is not a lie: but my rose-colored glasses were looking into the future, a future where R. and I were together. As that week progressed though, my heart knew things were not as they seemed. R. and I spent every night and day together of that week, until Friday, when his wife returned to town. That afternoon, his Dad was returning to PA and R. said he was going to spend the afternoon with his Dad, have dinner and would call me later. This is where the psychosis began to set in. Later that day, I followed my gut instinct and drove through the hotel parking lot where his Dad had been staying. I parked and waited for R. to leave, knowing his dad was leaving around 5 p.m. I watched as his Dad and he got into his car and his step mom followed in his Dad’s truck. They drove to the gas station that R’s wife owns and pulled into the pumps. i had followed them there and parked in a hidden place across the street. R. was walking into the store when his wife pulled in the parking lot. He walked back out, opened the passenger side door, kissed his wife’s grand baby as he took her out of her car seat, walked with the baby to his wife and kissed his wife. My heart broke! Simply stated, it shattered into a million pieces. He stood with the baby, his Dad joined them and they stood in the parking lot and talked. They all go into their cars, his Dad turned in the direction of the interstate while R. followed his wife’s truck to their home. I sat and cried. I had sacrificed it all for this man: my marriage, children, career, home. and here he was continuing to lie to both of us, obviously.

I returned home, not expecting to hear from R. at all. I began to drink, returning to my usual mindset of numbing pain with alcohol. I had gone to bed around 11 when my condo phone rang. It was R. I questioned his evening, he never lied, but he never stated the love and affection I had seen pass through he and his wife. He said he had gone to her home to gather some of his things and that he was staying at his mothers. In my drunken state, I began to flip, called him out on what I had seen that day, cried and begged him not to hurt me. He became frustrated and hung up on me. I didn’t hear from him anymore that weekend.

Monday was his first day at truck driving school, my son was set to leave that same day for basic training. I had avoided R.’s situation, for the weekend, and had focused my time with my son. That morning, R. texted me that he was getting ready to walk into the first day of the rest of his life and wanted to hear my voice, I called, we talked, he apologized for not calling over the weekend and said he had to work on things. I never asked, but I knew he had stayed with his wife. I took my son to USAF recruiter, hugged him goodbye and cried the entire drive home. What was happening to my life? R. phoned again that afternoon, he was staying at his wife’s childhood home to be closer to the school. We talked everyday and every night, until again, Friday came and he was set to come home for the weekend. AGain, I never heard a peep. The next week, I could take it no longer. I phoned R. on Tuesday after his school and told him I was going to meet with his wife, share the text messages we had sent each other and let her know we were still sleeping together. He began to cry and beg me not to, he said he was not done with his marriage: he could not bring himself to hurt her, I asked him why it was so easy to hurt me. He hung up, came home from school early to deter me from phoning his wife, that weekend again, told me he was not finished with his marriage, moved his stuff back into her home, threw away his phone, and disappeared from my life. To this day, I have not heard a word, text, message…..nothing.

Here I was, alone, hurt, isolated, and damaged beyond repair. How could I have read the stars wrong? How could I have been so gullible to believe every word he said. He pursued me, showered me with his affection, refused to leave me alone, told me he loved me, and then he walked away. I was left with no job, no money, a home for only two more weeks, a marriage that was ended and a daughter to raise. I will never forget the sadness in my heart in that time.

On April 20, my husband discovered the affair and my children and I moved out. By May 8th, R. was back with his wife, my husband had changed the locks, packed all the photos of us and any memory we ever had into a storage unit and walked away, and he never looked back.

I still think I suffered PTSD, Post traumatic Shock Disorder. People ailing PTSD with the military and war duty served, but PTSD is a debilitating anxiety disorder that occurs after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event. When suffering from PTSD, you loose your fight or flight inclinations and even calm low key situations can create great stress. For the first few weeks, I relieved every moment of the past three months over and over and over in my mind. Praying to make sense of it all and find a peace from the situation. It took every bit of energy I had to even get myself out of the bed in the mornings and drive my daughter to school. I could not eat, sleep, concentrate, nothing. I was dropping weight
in a rapid time span, I cried until I could cry no longer.

I pulled myself together and began hitting the road looking for work. Thankfully, it wasn’t but a few days later that I was offered a waitressing position with a popular restaurant/night club in the area. I was living every day on auto pilot but somehow, I was surviving. I would get my daughter to school in the morning and then drive by R.’s in hopes of passing his car or seeing his blue eyes. I would go to work, smile and serve the customers, all the while scanning the crowds in hopes of R. realizing our love and showing up on his white horse. I would come home at night, fix my daughters dinner, then get in my car and pass by R.’s home, if she had kicked him out again. I was consumed with R., I could not comprehend that he had destroyed my life, broke my heart and left me on the ground: he loved me, didn’t he?

I am not quite sure how I survived those first few weeks, but looking back, I am proud I stood as strong as I did.

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