It was around 10 a.m., that Saturday morning, that I was sitting in the office, in anticipation, when I heard someone’s key turn in the back door lock. I think I quit breathing and my heart slowed to a flutter: imagine my surprise when I see my other male co-worker round the corner. I had done nothing more than spend the morning in anticipation and fear of what was going to happen when R. arrived, but by my response to W.’s arrival, you would have thought something had happened between us already. W. stated he had a few hours worth of work to catch up on and had decided to come in that morning and complete it. My face was flushed, my heart beating rapidly and I could not formulate a full sentence without stuttering or loosing my track of thought. W. looked at me strangely and made his way to the other office. What was going to happen when R. arrived and W. was in the office with us? What was W. going to think when R. showed with no valid reason? Why did I even care, when I had spent the entire morning telling myself that nothing could happen between us and how wrong it was?
At 11:30, W. was still settled in the side office, when I saw R.’s truck turn into the parking lot. Again, my face flushed, my hands began to shake and I was terrified. The back door opened, R. rounded the corner and I truly thought I was going to pass out. He was nicely dressed, nothing special, but a pair of jeans and a dress shirt, a pair of top siders and cologne that sent my hormones into overdrive. He was smiling the sweetest smile and “hello beautiful” came from his lips before I could tell him we had company. W. entered my office, looked surprised at seeing R. there and said “Well hello handsome”. I thought R’s face was going to bounce off of the floor. W. gave both of us an inquisitive look and called R. into his office to show him what he was working on. Twenty minutes passed before I saw R. again, he entered the room with W. on his heels. He mouthed “sorry” while W. wasn’t looking, they both found a seat in my office and we sat around carrying on idle chit-chat for the next ten minutes. R. looked at his watch, it was 12:05, I was due off at 12. W. noted it was past closing time and inquired about why I was still hanging out. I muttered something about a deadline that needed to be met before that afternoon and I would just be a little longer, W. offered to stay with me. R. interjected, told W. to go home with his wife and kids and he would hang out for a bit. W. gave us both a weird sideways glance, said his goodbyes and left for the day.
When it was just R. and I in the building, I was terrified. I could not look at him, be near him, all I wanted to do was run out the door. I knew the things I were feeling, I knew they were not right and I knew I was going to act on those feelings. He slowly rolled his chair across the office beside mine, put his hand on the arm of my chair and asked what we were going to do about this? His face was just a few inches from mine, I could smell his breath mint. His eyes crystal blue, his goat-tee nice and trim, and his lips were calling my name. I turned away as quickly as I could, rolled my chair over a little, and screamed a bit when my cell phone began to ring. I picked it up, just as a distraction and was excited to see it was my oldest son. He had left for the Air Force basic training a month earlier and this was his first phone call to me. I made no explanations to R., answered the phone and began an excited conversation with my son. I paced around the office while I was on the phone and R’s eyes never quit watching me. I quietly whispered it was my son, he tenderly touched my hand and said “I know, I figured that out”. The look in his eyes were so loving, his touch on my hand-made my hairs stand on end and the electricity coursed through my veins, I knew this was not going to end well, I had to touch him, feel him, kiss him. I had to find out just what was happening between us.
My sons phone call lasted longer than it needed to be, not that I was complaining at all. It was almost 1 p.m. before I hung up the phone and R. was getting eager, he had afternoon plans with his wife and friends. We ran around the building, locking it down for the day, and my mind was awash with thoughts of how this was going to happen. I was C.’s wife, he was another womans husband: the guilt overcame me, but not enough to wash out the want. We were walking into the garage, the building door shut behind us and R. was pushing the button to raise the outside door, when I knew what I had to do. I grabbed him by his belt buckles, told him there was something I just needed to know, pulled him to me, and we shared the sweetest most electrifying 5 second kiss of my life. The feelings and emotions were too much, I pushed him away, reached for my belongings, when he grabbed me by my waist and said “now I need to see something”, and pulled me back to him. When the kiss was over, I was breathless. My hands and knees were shaking, I couldn’t focus on anything, and was unsure of what to do next. R. put the garage door up, let me out first, and I could tell he was feeling the same emotions. We never said a word as we were walking to our cars, he opened my car door for me, and I told him I felt that we had just crossed a boundary, never to return. He looked deep in my eyes and agreed. Before I even exited the driveway, he was calling my cell, we talked the way home, again that evening and made plans to meet the next day at a secluded place.
That was the beginning. We met again on Sunday, and Monday, and Tuesday, Wenesday…etc. The affair quickly became sexual and quickly progressed into a love that I can never explain to anyone. With us working together 6 days a week, it opened opportunities for us to spend quality time together that we may have not had if the circumstances had been different. We took several long distance road trips together, volunteered for weekends together, etc. It was not just an affair, it was a love affair.
The times we would meet for sex were not just in the back seat of a car, as one would imagine. It would be in discreet places of comfort and we would spend hours together just talking, cuddling, spending our time with each other. For example, he had the key to his neighbors beach home. The neighbor never came down, had recently placed it on the market and had given R. the key to show the home to potential buyers. The house was near his home, which created anticipation on my part, but I agreed to meet him there for an afternoon together. When I arrived he was barefoot, had purchased my favorite bottle of wine, and had a chilled glass in hand waiting for me. He gave me a tour of the gorgeous, never will be in my budget, home. We sat on the back deck with our wine, overlooking the pool, overlooking the ocean and talked for I know hours. We talked about our childhood, our parents, our kids, etc. We shared things that day, that we had never shared with others before. R. stood up, walked me up the three flights of steps, carried me into the bedroom and placed me on the bed. He just stood and stared at me. It kind of made me uncomfortable so I squirmed out of his gaze when he aggressively placed me in a lock hold on the bed, looked me dead in the eye and whispered “I just want to swim in your eyes forever, you are so beautiful. Do you know I can see your soul when I look at you?” And the thing was…I knew he was right. He was the first and only man who had ever looked at me and saw my soul. We made love that day, dressed, and took a long walk on the ocean before returning home. I will never forget the guilt, sadness and isolation that overtook my heart that day. How was it possible that I had met someone so wonderful and he and I both belonged to others? How could something that was making me so happy, be so wrong? And just what were we going to do about it?
As our affair progressed, others at work began to notice something between us and the gossip began. R. never denied anything, much to my chagrin, but instead walked around calling he and I the lovebirds and laughing at others when they would ask what was happening between us. It was as if he wanted everyone to know. I, however, would blow it off and make jokes about R.’s player status. I knew what others in the office thought of him and I played that trump card. With the differences in our responses, this intrigued their curiosity much more. R.’s affections for me soon became a little uncomfortable for my tastes. His antics in the office, sneaking a kiss with a co-worker in the room next door, etc. made me anxious daily. One weekend, we were called in to work together on a Saturday. We had to visit with a neighbor of R’s for business purposes. We took the company Cadillac over, holding hands the entire way. After our visit, we were exiting the drive when R. turned the vehicle in the opposite direction. I knew immediately where he was headed and told him absolutely not. He was driving the direction of he and his wife’s home. He chuckled, told me to stay calm he only would be a minute, and he pulled into his drive. I thought I would rather fall into a hole in the ground when his wife opened the front door and came walking outside. In nervous frustration, I picked up my blackberry and pretended to be texting an invisible someone on the other end. R’s wife came over to my car window, spoke to me and started a conversation on what a nice day it was. How I maintained that conversation, I can not tell you: then to my horror, R. returned to the car, and leaned himself into me in a romantic way, as I was talking to his wife. I could not breathe: and by the way she stuttered a half goodbye, I could tell she sensed something. After we were out of her sight, I began to cry and punched him: yelling what the hell was he thinking, he laughed and told me not to worry about it, she didn’t know anything. I began crying harder, he pulled over on the side of the road, took my hand and began to kiss it, and looked me deep in the eye when he told me he didn’t care anymore who knew, he was proud of me and was not letting me leave his life. I knew at that moment, this was not going to end in a good way, not only were we going to get hurt, but our spouses as well.
R. was perfect, other than his lack of discretion. We never fought, the attraction was nothing I had ever felt before, we told each other everything, and when we were apart, we were both empty inside. We would talk for hours about our marriages and what was going to happen with them. We made plans for me to visit his family in PA, meet his daughters that lived in TX: he wanted to visit my childhood home so he could visualize the place where I had been so happy. etc. but we never finalized plans on just how we were going to make these things happen.
By April, we were telling each other we loved each other, and as wrong as it was, we truly did. I will believe that for as long as I live, no matter what the outcome of our relationship was.
By mid April, things were getting too out of control for my mind. At the end of March I had traveled to TX alone to see my oldest son graduate from Air Force basic training. My husband had refused to go with me, regardless of how many times I begged him to come, citing financial difficulties and not having any time to take off work. From the moment I left to drive to the airport until the moment that I returned home, R. was on my phone. He was texting calling and IM’s photos and wanting me to do the same. The day before I left, he came into work and told me he had a surprise for me in the back seat of my car, but to be very careful. I was excited to leave work that day and was even more so when I found one of his shirts, laden with his cologne, with a note for me to sleep in it at night and we would be close to each other. I stashed the shirt in my suit case and the entire time I was alone in my hotel room ,over my four-day visit, that shirt was on my body. It smelled just like him and when I wrapped it tight, it even felt like him. His wife was always out-of-town on Thursday nights, venturing back to her home town to see her Daughter and Grandson. That Thursday night of my trip, we were on the phone literally the entire night. Talking with R. was so comfortable, the conversation just flowed. The next Tuesday, i returned to work and was a little miffed at R.’s lack of hiding his enthusiasm around our co-workers. More and more people were noticing the attraction between us, even to the point of W. taking R. to lunch and telling him he did not need to know what was happening between us, but R. needed to tame it down before something destructive happened.
Finally, I knew we needed to end it and let things happen in a more natural flow. I took R. to our private meeting place and told him we were over. He cried, held my hand, begged me not to do this. I told him that we had two spouses that were going to be hurt, his response was simply “If they had been good spouses, we would have fallen in love!” I refused to talk about it anymore, bade him to leave and told him that we needed to take care of our marriages and if we were meant to be, it would happen. All night, my phone rang off the hook, to the point of having to place it in silent mode to not alert my husband. By this point in time, my husband was already noticing something himself. He questioned my happiness, I had lost around 20 lbs. and I obviously did not want to spend any time with him, where before I could force a few hours without incident. The next day, we were at work, R. made a huge spectacle in front of our entire staff. We were involved in a business negotiation, when W. leaned over to whisper instructions to me. R. saw this, his face turned beet red and he turned and punched the wall before stomping out of the room. I was shocked, the entire staff was shocked, and everyone looked at me. I had no clue what to do or say. It had only been one day since I ended us and he was this upset already. A few hours passed and I was able to catch R. in a private area outside of work. He was angry that W. had whispered, sad that I thought we needed to be over and he begged for me to tell him why. I told him from my heart how much I loved him, but I could not partake in our affair any longer. I told him that i wanted to be his, fully his. I wanted he and I to be a couple, go out in public together, not have to look over our shoulder during our times of love…I wanted to be his and him to be mine. He told me how much he loved me and he cried. He sat and held my hands, looking my straight in the eye, and cried. He begged for one more night. My husband was out-of-town for business until later in the evening and his wife was out-of-town for a trade show. He said he would take me out to eat, in public, and then he wanted us to go somewhere private and just hold each other. I wasn’t entirely sure about the going out in public together but I agreed to meet him after work at his mother’s house.
His mom’s house was located around 10 miles outside of town, in an isolated area, and it was empty since she had moved in with her boyfriend a few months earlier. R. had ventured down the road and ordered us take out pizza and when I pulled into the drive, my heart just melted. He was standing on the porch, again barefoot (we do live at the beach), but this time there was no wine, only his hands pushed into his pants pockets with the saddest blue eyes I have ever seen. We went inside and could not control our impulses for two minutes. Within a minute we were making the most amazing love, eating some pizza and then showering together, to start all over again. That night was intense. It was as if we knew it would be our “last” night together. The bond between us was amazing but there was an air of holding on just a little too tight.
unfortunately, the time came for me to leave, and I drove home with my head in the clouds. That floating feeling was soon to be ended, as I pulled into the drive and my husband’s car was home. I smelt like his cologne, my chest was still flushed from our last session and my hair slightly damp from our shower. I couldn’t pull out, he saw my headlights in the window and opened the front door for me. I was terrified, what was going to happen? Luckily, my husband was in deep conversation with someone on the cell phone and I was able to rush upstairs and put on my pj’s. I toweled my hair and begged that flushed in love look to go away. When I came back downstairs, you could see him eyeing me, but he never asked a single question.
The next two days, R. was off to help his wife out in their store. Thursday came, the night she was going to be out-of-town. My kids and I were out to dinner together when R. began texting me. My husband was on call and was not going to be home until Saturday. R. was anxious for me to come over and see him, though I knew we needed to end. Text, after text, after text came through and I would not answer. I responded that I was out with my kids, to respect my time with them. My youngest son was due to leave for basic training in a week and a half and I wanted as much time with him as I could. This sent his fear into overdrive, and he began to text and call non stop. Finally, around 6 p.m. everything just suddenly stopped. The kids and I were settled into home around 7 when my world began to crumble. R. phoned and I would not answer, so he called the house. I knew if he were calling my home phone something was wrong, so I answered. My husband had called his phone, leaving messages about whose number this was and why were they screwing his wife? R. sounded terrified and I could not believe what was happening. I told R. there was no way he knew, to which R. played the messages from his cell phone. Around that same time, my husband began calling me. R. yelled over the phone to not tell him anything, deny it all. I calmly answered the phone to which my husband asked me what was going on. I told him I had been at dinner with the kids, just arrived home, and was watching a movie with them. Enough of the games, he said, who are you f&$(ing. I played stupid, as is the first response, then he informed me that he had watched all the activity on my cell phone through his computer and he wanted to know who was the person who had texted me over 100 times in the last two hours. I sat in silence, he demanded an answer and I calmly told him it was R. Once reality hit that I had easily given him the information he was searching for he went into angry terrorist mode. He asked me had we slept together, to which I answered no. He then began yelling he was on his way home and was he arrived, he was going to kill me. No one was going to make a fool of him and if I were smart, I would not call or text R. and not leave the home until he arrived. Hearing the anger in his voice, I knew what he was saying was true. After we hung up, I quickly called R. to let him know I told him at least about our talking. I was not as quick as my husband, he phoned R. and left an aggressive message about ruining his marriage if not killing him as well. R. was livid, he was so angry that I had told my husband whom I had talked to. He began cursing me too and told me to NEVER tell him that we had slept together. I was crying, not sure what had just happened, scared for my life and not knowing what to do next. R. informed me that he would be trashing his pre-paid phone and he would be in touch sometime later, and then he hung up on me.
Fear filled my heart, I knew I had to protect my kids, so I called my son and daughter downstairs, told them I had become emotionally involved with someone else, C. had found out about it, and for their safety, they needed to go to their dads for the weekend. My son was terrified for me, afraid of what C. would do, he refused to leave. I phoned my husband, by that time he had calmed, but he was adamant that he was going to get copies of our texts to each other and once he knew we had slept together, he was going to not only sue us both for alienation of affection but also make sure our careers and R.’s marriage did not make it through. He stated he was not coming home that night, as he knew he would physically hurt me, but would be home after lunch the next day. My son slept with my downstairs that night, every noise we heard, we were awake and looking out the window.
The next morning, I packed my kids as much into their luggage as would fit and sent them driving the hour to their dads home. I was lost, terrified and had no clue what to do. I began to pack my own things, not knowing what would happen at any given minute. I called R. over one hundred times that night and into the next day, it always going into voicemail. I was hurt and dismayed at his lack of concern for my safety, but more so at his anger for me telling the truth. AFter all, wasn’t it he that had just been BEGGING me to end it not a week before this?